


Waves

by ChiDrinksTea



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Bokuto helps reader, Depression, Eating Disorders, F/M, Kissing, Reader is sad, in depth description of emotions, please don’t read if you’re sensitive, sorta based on the song waves by dean lewis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:01:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27687305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChiDrinksTea/pseuds/ChiDrinksTea
Summary: in which everything comes and goes in waves. everything except bokuto, it seems.
Relationships: Bokuto Koutarou/Reader
Comments: 3
Kudos: 36





	Waves

**Author's Note:**

> Waves  
> • established relationship (?)  
> • warning: eating disorder,  
> depression  
> fem!reader x bokuto  
> word count: 2622

a sign

"you're beautiful," he murmurs, voice soft, as he draws you in closer and closer. at first, you were reluctant to cuddle, and you huffed, but now, even though his touch, any touch in such an intimate manner, is new to you, foreign even, the comfort it provides you is addictive. you want to stay in his strong arms forever. 

he pulls your hand to his, and where you would usually remove your hand from his vice like grip, you now intertwine your fingers. he grins in delight, golden eyes glued to you, fixated, as he gives your shaky hand a squeeze.

but then you answer. "stop lying," you say, and he thinks you're joking, because, of course, you are. you're the prettiest person he knows. 

a smile slowly creeps across his face, slight amusement dancing in those golden, excitable eyes of his. "i never lie to you."

"that's a lie," you mumble immediately, and this time, you hide your face under his arm. now, he can't see your face. 

he stretches slightly, his arms flexing under his thin white shirt, as he raises one arm behind his head, using it as a head rest. you're still occupying the other arm. 

he doesn't answer you for a while, and you think that's the end of it. good. this moment is too good, you don't want to ruin it with useless talk. you burrow further into his embrace, clutching his arm tightly.

this is nice, you think, as your eyes start feeling heavy. you free one hand, and raise it to your mouth, yawning. you don't see bo watching you closely, not until it's too late, and you feel his arm curl around your waist. 

you let out a squeak. in one swift movement, he turns you around, so that you're on your back, and he's on top of you, arms and legs propping him up on either side of you. he grins down at you, you and your wide eyed expression. 

"bo?"

"you're beautiful," he grins, his breath fanning across your face. your eyes widen again, but before you can react, your boyfriend is attacking you with soft kisses, placing them all over your face.

one on your nose— no, wait— two on your nose, three on your right cheek, warm and wet, two on your left cheek, but here, he nuzzles you with his own cheek, letting the side of his face rest against yours. his breath tickles your ear. "so pretty. pretty y/n."

you flush, but he's not finished. he leans close again, his forehead fitting against yours, and for a while, he stays there. it's all so typical bokuto, and now that he can finally call you his, he's allowed to do this, too.

then, a grin— a glint in those golden hues of his. "d'ya reckon i can make you say it too?"

without a pause. "you're beautiful, bo."

he lets out a loud booming laugh, lowers himself slightly, but still making sure he's not crushing you with his weight. "y/n! 's not what i meant." it really wasn't, but you can tell by the way he puffs out his chest a bit that's he's nevertheless pleased with your answer.

you're beautiful, y/n.

you don't say it, not ever, but you do raise a soft hand, and let it trail down his face. your touch is delicate, hesitant, and bo's breath hitches when you raise your hand again to repeat the action.

you're never the one to initiate skinship, so bo knows to treasure these moments.

there's also never too much talk with you, definitely not on days like this, but it's okay, because he loves you, and you love him. 

that makes it okay. it should make it all okay, and for a while, it does. but not everything in you is okay, and you're not okay with everything that is in you.

and since bo think you're pretty for more than just your outside prettiness, he's bound to notice this, too.

—

a moment 

his golden, owl-like eyes light up at the sight of you, and he doesn't waste any time before he leans down and pulls you in a tight hug. "y/n!" he excitedly says your name, as he often does. he likes saying your name. your name is so pretty, just like the rest of you. 

you tense slightly at his touch, and he notices it, of course, he does, but he waves it off as you settle down, allowing him to wrap himself around you. he holds you tight. and, huh, you do feel a bit smaller in his embrace.

he can't say anything, wouldn't know how to anyway, because you lean up, and kiss him. you rarely do this. he learned a while ago that you don't like kisses as much as he does. you say that too much kissing makes you feel uncomfortable, and as long as he gets his cuddles, he supposes he's fine with it. that just makes the few kisses you share all the more sweeter.

your kisses, like his moods, like your insecurities, come in waves. 

—

a wave

you run your small fingers over your stomach, and it's flat and smooth. it is beautiful, you are beautiful because of it... right? your pelvic bones are sharp on either side of your stomach, and you can count your ribs, bone by bone. is that good? will you be prettier if this no longer is the case? or, is this what is expected of you?

you were born thin and small, dainty and petite, and you learned from a young age that if you, gifted like you were, let your bones be lost in fat, no one would forgive you. gaining weight isn't allowed, how shameless would you be if you did gain weight?

you won't allow someone to take your bones from you, because you were born with them, and now it's your job to fight for them.

some people had to work hard to achieve thinness, and you only had to maintain it. how were the two even comparable? 

don't be shameless, y/n.

but still, there's a small voice, nagging you, and you recognize it as the voice of your parents, of your friends— it's bo's voice— and it tells you that whatever you do, you are more than your skin, more than the length of your lashes. 

it's a beautiful voice, and it sings a song so beautiful that when you close your eyes, you can feel it on the tips of your fingers.

it's sad that when another wave hits the shore, it washes away this song of yours.

you don't want to gain weight, you really don't. you are obsessed with that scale of yours, and more than that, you're obsessed with laughing about the scale the next day— pretending as though your weight never crosses your mind. 

'oh, i haven't even weighed myself in a long time. i guess, bo and i just don't care about stuff like this' you'd say to your friends, laughing brightly, and to them, to bo, even, you seem carefree. sometimes you wonder if you've ever made them feel insecure? your friends? maybe you make people just as insecure as people make you?

but why can't you stop? why can't you be honest?

maybe it's because they don't see you when you get home, they don't see how you immediately jump to the scale to see if maybe, just maybe, the fifteen minute walk from the bus stop made you magically use another kilo?

it's ridiculous. you know it doesn't work like that.

you also don't need to lose another kilo, but something in you wants to, and that something wants to do it effortlessly, so that you can continue lying those pretty lies of yours — don't worry, akaashi-san, i have light bones, that's why i weigh so little!

the urge to cry comes up every now and then, and it's too strong for you, so chaotic, so demanding that soon, those hot tears are trickling down your cheeks. there's nothing much you can do, and all you can do, you do.

but than another wave hits, and you're left recalling every single conversation you've ever had, analyzing and overthinking every small detail.

"wow— l/n-san! looking at bokuto-san, and his weight, and you, and your weight— it's just crazy!"

"oh. of course! bo's an athlete, it's just natural. i weigh so little because i never exercise, and as you know, muscles weigh more than fat!"

"yeah, of course! that makes sense."

everything weighs heavily on your heart, even the good, and all you can do is curl up, waiting for your wave to pass. because your insecurities, they come in waves, similarly to the muffled sobs currently wracking against your chest.

soon, the waves stop.

you have to get off the floor before bo comes home and finds you like this.

—

a mistake 

it's a course, and it's one you choose to visit, because while the topic of weight always hurts your heart, it's nevertheless a topic you still desperately seek out. every time you talk about weight, you find yourself crying afterwards, but still, you can't stop. you don't stop. part of you thinks you want this pain, but that's just ridiculous, right?

unless...well, unless you actually deserve it.

the course is stupid, and you're the thinnest girl there (somehow, that makes you feel good, yet horrible at the same time) and you sit on the edge of your seat, sweaty palms clutching at the wood. the whole lesson is a rollercoaster of fear, but it's exhilarating, hearing people talk about the subject that occupies your mind 24/7.

one girl stands up, and the teachers asks her to talk about her problems with her own weight. her name is sara, and you know her. akaashi and bokuto both affectionately call her 'sara-chan', and while she is chubby, the same excess fat that would look horrible on you, makes her look mature, and yet, incredibly cute. you don't want to imagine her all thin, all thin like you. sara-chan is already beautiful.

why can't you see yourself the same way you see sara-chan?

she can talk, too, so much that some girls start sniffling (you're one of them), and her talk, unlike the teacher's talk, isn't empty. the teacher only says something that amounts to nothing, while sara, with her own unique journey, paints a tale of truth. 

it doesn't help. but it doesn't make you feel worse either.

that is, until you're mentioned. and then, with one or two small words, everything changes.

"and i wanted to be like those girls, like the girls in the magazines, girls who look like— like y/n-chan, like... god, you guys understand, right?"

students laugh, they laugh because they understand, they understand wanting to look like you. but sara, who sends you a sweet smile before mentioning your name, doesn't know that you don't understand wanting to look like you. you've never wanted to look like you. 

sara means well, she knows your name, she knows you. even if only a little bit, and she just wants to say that you're beautiful, but her words don't have the desired effect.

instead, the words leave you unprepared as another wave washes over you in class. 

and you're alone.

all alone until your boyfriend shows up, with an umbrella, excited shouts of "hey, hey, hey!", and that same beautiful grin of his. that same grin that melts away as soon he sees your crestfallen expression.

—

love

bokuto knows now, he knows now that you have struggles he doesn't understand, but wants to understand. he knows that with you, he'll need to be patient. he's not so good at that, he tells you this, too, but— he says, with one awkward hand on his neck as he looks down at you, that for you, he'll try.

and then he tells you he loves you.

he loves you even before he understands your struggles. but that's okay, he'll understand soon.

—

notice me

bo's lips leave yours, after one last long fiery, exciting kiss, and he starts trailing his hot open mouthed kisses down to your collarbone. he nips at the skin there, grinning when you shiver slightly. 

his hands, hands that you gingerly placed on your body, move up and down across your waist, across your back, his fingers drawing little circles on your skin. 

it's all so nice, but then one of his fingers accidentally poke at a rib, and he notices how much weight you've lost. he can't help but pause, even if it's only for a brief moment.

that's enough for you, because you notice his pause, and you're suddenly angry with him. "stop," you say, and you're pulling away, brows furrowed.

"y/n..." he feels bad, but he can't help but notice, and he can't help but want to help you. his big eyes are sad as he looks at you beneath long, dark lashes. he's vulnerable in the face of your vulnerability, and it makes you stop in your tracks.

you sigh, "i'm just trying to lose some of the weight i gained." it's a lie, both of you know, but somehow this is better than silence.

"it's completely normal to lose weight when you should lose weight," you croak out, chest feeling hollow. is there another wave coming?

bo's eyes narrow slightly, and his usual bo smile is long gone, replaced by a frown. he waits for you to take back your words, but you don't, so the corners of his lips keeping tugging ever downwards. that's when he's sure: you need help, the sort of help he can't give you.

he pouts, pulling you into a tender hug that has his lips resting against the crown of your head. he kisses your hair softly, and you feel as though you might break into little pieces at his touch.

—

recovery in waves 

the weight in your chest and the pain in your head still make an appearance every now and then, at times when nobody's there with you, to defend you from your demons. sometimes, a simple remark can do it, for example, bo saying he'll never eat again after going out for lunch with his friends, or sara-chan offering you a sugar free diet cookie, with that same smile of hers. it's so innceont, but your head contorts their words.

this is bad, but even you're the only one to notice, you're getting better.

the sessions help, and sometimes, the feeling in your chest is no longer a horrible pain, but rather just a dull throb.

that throb helps you come clean, and you're honest: with bo, with your parents, and you friends, too. you even tell sara-chan, who starts crying, and then, the two of you are crying together. sara-chan, with her own problems, becomes a friend. 

and bo becomes more than just your boyfriend, he becomes your rock, your reason for you wanting to be better, really. you're honest with him, and he helps you.

look, you're not all better, that'll come later on in your story, but you're on the right path. more importantly, you know this. 

you learn that you can't fight against the ocean, but what you can do, is have your friends help you keep your head above water as the waves come rushing.

that's what you do.

and while everything comes and goes in ways, bokuto doesn't. he stays, he always stays, through everything.

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys! this is one of my first one shots... so if you enjoyed it, please leave a comment. i'm not sure if something like this is supposed to remain published, but I’ll leave it up for now. I hope everyone has a nice day!


End file.
